Friday, 21 January 2011

--finished --

I tried to down two coffees today
earnest attempt to imbibe my way
into your mind. As if somehow your drink
of choice could give voice to how you think.
I couldn’t even get to the bottom of the 2nd cup.
Seems that taste is just too much:
too much bitter, much too harsh; its touch
on my tongue, too intense, too close to real
too much a reflection of how I feel
in this silence.
And if I really believed that just this brew,
java, as intense and dark as you,
could in any way break through this stalemate,
I would drink my way through the entire jar,
give up preference for needs-be so that we are
once more returned to sharing future-dreams-talk
to eyes-down-stumbling shy and shoulder-bump-walk
to feeling-word-fumbling and sleep-melting-thoughts.
But reality knocks, drops by to remind
that life can be sweet, but never promised to be kind;
in love and war nothing is fair.  In the end you’ll find
thinking so naively will leave you stuck on rewind
thinking so naively will leave you stuck on rewind
thinking so naively will leave you stuck
nothing’s that easy.
I stare belligerent at coffee grounds, mud grains
where I’ve poured your drink-
thoughts in the sink, sought the drain
and willed myself to refrain
from looking for meaning in that mess. Again.
There is none.
And maybe that’s the meaning after all,
after letting all our thoughts and feelings freefall,
my quiet disquiet led to your withdrawal
I couldn’t understand, so, your silence is my dismissal.
I see that now.
And I let you walk away.
Calm, now; more, even, welcome your choice to choose not to stay
It’s your prerogative, and who am I to ask that you say
why; expect explanation. It would only delay
the inevitable.
Better, I think, that it’s turned out this way.
Goodbyes are over-rated anyway.

Saturday, 15 January 2011

One from my sister to many others

This is by the amazing Warsan Shire - do check out her blog - you'll find it's worth your while.

- - - - 

poem eleven


for women who are 'difficult' to love.

you are a horse running alone
and he tries to tame you
compares you to an impossible highway
to a burning house
says you are blinding him
that he could never leave you
forget you
want anything but you
you dizzy him, you are unbearable
every woman before or after you
is doused in your name
you fill his mouth
his teeth ache with memory of taste
his body just a long shadow seeking yours
but you are always too intense
frightening in the way you want him
unashamed and sacrificial
he tells you that no man can live up to the one who
lives in your head
and you tried to change didn't you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him travelling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do love
split his head open?
you can't make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love.

Friday, 7 January 2011

first free write in ages

God, I could do with throwing a sucker punch
and my head the grateful recipient
or perhaps ‘grateful’ is pushing it a little
but at least ‘deserving’ would be fitting

just haul back and let fly
unleash the pent up disaffection
swing, arc of perfection
straight from the shoulder, like he always told me I should

and in the ricochet
the whiplash second of rebound
as neck whips back, snaps to one side
tears, sweat, blood drops fly

potential kinetic potential again
and the moment stretches as I
step back, disbelief
wait for the response I have to offer

and for a moment, sparks
eyes promise life, perhaps
or at least retaliation of some kind
apathy slapped into action

but instead, sigh, droop
head – snapped-slapped
drops back to chest
shuffle, retreat, wallow

Wednesday, 5 January 2011

Sat at her desk, uncovering the truth

Today I am brought alive by the shadows
of bare trees on an old house's side
thrown, clear, by winter sunlight
making the whole more beautiful than it it ought
more than each part could ever have dreamed.

And triumph over petty lies
tugs my grin wide
as I tramp downhill
imagining that moment of reveal
Not in vengeance, mind,
simply for that perfect 'oh' of surprise
pulling that bluff from the one who thought me blind
Unkind, foolishly and needlessly deceived 
and yet, I laugh as though 
a new day has been handed me on a plate
fully garnished, freshly daydreamed
vanilla skies and purple rain

I stand amazed - can't believe,
instead of bitter rant,
discover the true state of incredulity
reduces me to helpless cheer
so I'll just absorb it as best I can
feel full the joy, laugh loud til perhaps
this melts, this nonsense, this sentence
contract winds down and I'm free again
to tread as angrily as I wish
foul humour reasserted
a reckoning, perhaps only postponed
and definitely well noted.

--You Can't Touch This--

He flashed past
a vision of slick in his wide flowing silk pants
billowing generous at thighs
folds flapping and flowing
tapering to hems
cuffed round ankles surely too dainty
to support such an embodiment of bombast.

He walked with-a feeling
rocked and rolled down that road
a ship at full mast
Oh, oh, and how on by he flowed
as we, plain clothed, staid, normalcy
stood, open-mouthed, saluted flamboyancy

Saturday, 1 January 2011

I guess it's that time of the year...

2011 - the year that I...

- start to believe the positive things that friends tell me about myself;

- stop believing the negative voice in my head so frequently;

- keep promises that I make to myself;

- move onward, move upward;

- actually seek knowledge, and put it into practice;

- keep believing in the inherent goodness of people;

- stop being self-destructive (sleep, food, exercise, love);

- do less 'out' stuff;            - do more 'in' stuff;

- see friends more

- read less fiction, read more fact;

- remain passionate about the things I believe, while remembering that not everyone shares those beliefs, or that passion, no matter how much I love them, or how much I want them to;

- take more photos, and get better at doing so;

- write more, and get better at doing so;

- ask more questions, listen better to the answers;

- talk to my neighbours more;

- start guerilla gardening;

- lessen the arcs of my mood swings;

- keep loving as much as I can.